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I actually died in my dream!

Last night I had the scariest dream... I actually died in it. This is the only time that I can remember dying in a dream... most of the time I just come close to it and wake up but last night I actually heard the screams before I died. It was a really weird dream that started out with a drive to what I can only think of was California because of the way the streets were and I vaguely remember Ben saying we were in California. We were in this nice new big SUV and we rear ended a pick up truck... I ended up in the back of the pickup but I wasn't hurt... Ben started talking to the driver of the truck and turns out they know each other... that was all there was to that part of the dream. Next I was with my parents and I think we were now in Washington... the Spokane region... we were walking around looking at fireworks and some duragatory remarks were made by the seller about how big one of the fireworks was. We walked out of what looked like a flea market. My dad said we were going to go visit Uncle John... well Uncle John is Ben's uncle so that was weird but I got all excited about it. We then ended up in a video game store... while there someone with a gun entered. I headed for the door and left... I remember turning back and seeing my parents still inside oblivious to what was going on. More people left the store with me and one of them started running and so did I because I thought he gunman was leaving the store even though I didn't look behind to see him. The other man running started to scale this really tall white brick wall... I can only guess that he got over it because the next time I looked at the wall he was gone. While running someone made the comment of "look at the bachelors run" I turned to the guy and asked if he was talking about me... he said yes... I remarked back that "I have a daughter and husband" Then people started running again so once again I did too but this time I got down on the ground and covered my head along with someone else. Someone made the comment of "Christy you look like you are getting turned on by this"... I flipped the guy off while still having my hands over my head. The next thing I remember is someone sitting on my back. Then the vision of a birthday cake being cut came into view the birthday cake was white, pink and black and had a name that started with a J on it and the number 9. The cake was being cut then some how I ended up on my back with the person sitting on my stomach... he put the knife in my mouth... I could taste the cake but also the metal... 2 pieces broke off the knife and he ordered me to swallow them. At first I refused then he put the gun to my head so I swallowed them. The next thing that happened was he put the gun in my mouth I could taste the metal and what seemed like grit and he said "taste the silver"... as he was saying this he pulled the trigger and in an instant I heard gasps and screams... it sounded like my mother. I also grabbed onto the guys wrist and squeezed as he was pulling the trigger. All of that happened in a flash. That is when I woke up. When I woke up I swear I could taste metal in my mouth. I can't even begin to figure out what this all means. Normally I don't remember my dreams but I kept playing it over and over in my head. All I know is that it really freaked me out. If anyone has any idea of what all this means I would really appreciate the input. 


So I'm trying to potty train Ava and I'm getting frustrated. Today has been a really hard day I'm even more frustrated then normal and even though Ava is doing pretty good about going on the potty she still is going in her diaper. This is just day 3 and I know I can't expect miracles especially since she is only 21 months old so I don't know why I'm so frustrated. I was so frustrated that I decided to soothe my frustration with ice cream... it didn't help. :( I'm starting to wonder if maybe it is too soon to potty train Ava. She can't really communicate to me yet and she tells me potty or takes off her diaper after she has already gone potty in her diaper. 

It also didn't help that Ben came home and was no relief. I finally had to say something to him... which I never have to do. He must have been having an off night but combined with my rough day I just ended up more frustrated. Now he is playing with her which is good because if he hadn't I don't know if I would have survived the night since he is going to a 10:30 movie. 

I just need to find some patience and quickly. 

So proud!

I'm so proud of Ava she was really good at the recital. We spent the whole recital up in the light booth with Ben and her Uncle Nick
and I had to hold her the whole time but still she was really good. Tonight Ben is hosting trivia down at Quinn's so it is just Ava and me but we are managing just fine... we are watching Sesame Street and enjoying each other's company. :) 

Tomorrow it is Ava and me again and I foresee it going good as well. Then on Tuesday I'm taking Ava to Tots and Toddlers at the library before I drop her off at Papa's house. It is story and music time for kids 0-3... that should be fun. If she likes it I think we will make it an every Tuesday thing. 

I really think the new meds are helping me... we will see how it goes once I'm completely weened off the old meds and am just taking the new meds. I'm hoping that I'm still doing as good as I have been. 

I think I will go get some peaches for Ava and I to share. :) \.?,m kml00;[p-[p-=p[pcghpogfci9h'
/,;lvgh Ava took over my computer! :) The peaches went alright until Ava was trying to type on my computer on the couch over the edge of the couch and kicked the bowl of peaches spilling peach juice down the front of me! :( Oh well accidents happen and at least she didn't spill them on my computer. Time for more Sesame Street! :)


So tonight is the Dance is Everything Spring Recital and I will have to keep Ava busy during the whole recital. During the rehearsal I had help watching her... her Uncle James was really good with her. I'm nervous that I won't be able to keep her contained. This is going to be a big challenge for me and I'm not looking forward to it. Last year it was easier because she was younger and couldn't run around this year she is on the move. I even called my parents to see if they would take her for the night so that I wouldn't have to have her but they didn't answer... I know that sounds terrible and it probably is but I'm so dreading this. This is going to be a true test of patience and my mothering skills and I'm not sure I'm up to it. :(

We are trying to ween Ava off of her bottle and get her to use a sippy cup for milk... it is not going well and I'm getting frustrated. She will only drink out of her sippy cup if it has juice in it or if she is at her Grandpa's house. If she is this stubborn with a cup I can only imagine what potty training will be like! I just need to have patience and realize that it isn't going to happen overnight... but still I'm frustrated.

On a side note Ava just tried to eat a diaper! I don't know why she would do that but for some reason she thought it was a good idea... luckily it was a clean one. She does some funny stuff! She is a very silly girl! I love my silly girl! :)

Counselor appointment

Today I had a counselor appointment. It was a lot of sitting in silence. We did talk about how I feel like a terrible mom. She said I just need to focus on changing my thought patterns... I was getting a little frustrated with her because she wasn't telling me how to do that. I finally said easier said then done and I think she could tell I was getting frustrated. I still don't know how to change my thought patterns just know that I need to do it. I guess I will just have to try different things until I find something that works. My next appointment is in 2 weeks we will see how that goes. I have a hard time talking about what is wrong with strangers.

Tonight my father-in-law and I are going to go see Pink Panther at BLT it will be a nice distraction from what is going on.

I'm hoping things will start getting easier.

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

Let's give this a try!

So the last few years a lot has changed for me from jobs to having a baby girl to my depression getting worse. I never really touched on the subject of my depression before here because I tried to keep it hidden. I realize now that I can't do that anymore. My counselor wants me to give journaling a try so here I am back on LJ. I'm tired of hiding. So here goes nothing. 

I've been diagnosed as being bipolar and am currently working with a psychiatrist to find the right combination of meds that will work for me. This is going to be a slow process but I'm hopeful that it will all work out in the end. I've worked with doctors in the past but never a psychiatrist so this all new for me. I really appreciate his honesty with me. He has set out a plan for me... that is the first time that anyone has laid out a plan for me. 

I don't know where to start with journaling. I guess I will just start with what has been plaguing my mind lately. I feel like I'm a terrible mom. I feel like everyone else is a better mom then I am. I wish that I could be half the parent that Ben is to Ava and my sister-in-laws are to their kids. Don't get me wrong I love Ava I just don't feel like I have the energy to play with her. I feel like I don't know how to play with my own daughter anymore. I'm really hoping that getting on the right meds will help me with that. I know in the back of my mind that I'm just currently adjusting to being a stay at home mom and that in time it should get better but it is hard for me to realize that now. Ben told me this weekend when we were talking about it on the drive home from Cascade that I've gotten a lot better... but it is hard for me to see that. I really do feel like a terrible mom. 

Ben and I have started talking about having a second child and honestly I'm nervous about it. I miss being pregnant but I don't know if I'm ready to be pregnant again. My new doctor says that he wants me stable before I get pregnant again and I must agree with him. I'm hoping that once I'm stable I will feel more like a mom and be ready for a second child because Ben really wants one and I do too. We are hoping that by August we will be able to start trying... the doctor thinks that might be enough time to get me stable. I go back to see him in a week and we will see where we are then... I know we are just starting but I think the changes that he is making are helping already. 

One thing I need to do is I need to relax more and just have fun. I don't know how to do that anymore. I went out with some girlfriends on Sunday and had a lot of fun but the comment was made twice that I was being quiet. I didn't know how to just have fun. I even drank some and that didn't help. I should be able to let my hair down and have fun but it seems impossible right now. 

I hate having these feelings. I'm getting sick and tired of them. I really wish they would just stop and go away. It is so hurtful to me and I just don't know how much longer I can deal with the pain. 

I don't really know what else to say tonight... I'm hoping to post nightly but we will see if that happens. I have another blog that I post to nightly but if I have time I will post to both. 

How I spent my November and December!!!!

So this year Ben and I decided to make all of our Christmas gifts.  Ben made CDs for all of the guys in his family and I made gifts for all of the girls and for everyone in my family.  Ben made a CD of Superhero theme songs for John, for Nick and James he made a CD of songs from old records that they use to listen to when they where little and for Phil and Bruce he remade an old CD of train songs that he had made a long time ago from old records.  I finished almost all of my projects except for 3 blankets: my mom's, my brother's girlfriends and my brother and sister in laws! Anyways it took awhile but yeah I have posted the pictures after the cut!!!
Projects... projects... oh and more projects!!!Collapse )</div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div>
So as many of you know my mom makes cakes as her hobby.  Well I'm trying to get her a little more business because what most of you don't know my mom is wanting to try to help my brother, his girlfriend and their son out.  Brian started chemo today and will continue it until the week before Christmas and if that isn't bad enough is one of many here in Boise that is more then likely going to lose his job since he works at Micron.   So basically if you know anyone that is looking for a cake to be made... wedding, birthday, baby shower etc... let me know and I can give you more of information.  I will be putting together business cards, postcards and flyers along with a portfolio for her... hopefully soon.  Like I said I'm just trying to help her out so she can hopefully help my brother out... if you don't know anyone who needs a cake can you do me a favor and just send happy thoughts in my brother's direction... he really needs it now.  Thanks. Christy.

Here are a few pictures of cakes that she has made:


Harvey Cuteness

Harvey and Ben after Harvey's first bath!

Harvey enjoying the piece and quiet of the cabin.

My boys!

Nom Nom Nom... whipped cream!!!

Cuddling up next to Bruce's computer!

Enjoying some CSI NY!

And there you have it you monthly dose of Harvey Cuteness... please tune in next month for more cuteness!!!!



School crap

So I've paid my outrageously expensive tuition for class... $980 for ONE Biology class and ONE lab!!!  I have also purchased my books which weren't too expensive and emailed the professor to see if we will be having class on the 30th since that is Labor day weekend.  Now all I have to do is convince myself to get out of bed every Saturday morning at 7:00 to get to class by 8:00. I'm not sure if that is going to happen or not!!!